Is my relationship healthy? Five pillars of a healthy relationship

"Is my relationship healthy?" is a question many people ask themselves at least once. No relationship is perfect, and disagreement is a normal part of any close relationship. But certain qualities help a relationship stay safe, satisfying and stable, and knowing them helps us see our own relationship more realistically.

Five pillars of a healthy relationship

1. Communication

In a healthy relationship you can express your feelings and needs and feel heard. Talking about difficult topics may be hard, but it does not come with fear of being belittled or mocked.

2. Handling conflict

Successful couples argue too. The difference is in how: without insults, with room for both people to give their view, and above all with an effort to repair the relationship after an argument. Couples research suggests that the ability to "repair" after a fight matters more than not fighting at all.

3. Emotional intimacy

Feeling close, being able to ask your partner for support when you are upset, and deliberately making time for good moments together.

4. Trust and respect

Respect for personal boundaries, honesty about important matters, being able to hold a different opinion without a belittling reaction, and making decisions together about things that affect you both.

5. Relationship satisfaction

An overall sense that the relationship adds to your quality of life and that your important needs are met to an acceptable degree.

Signs worth paying attention to

• Conversations keep ending in arguments or long silences.
• The same problems come back again and again without a solution.
• Belittling, mockery or disrespect have become normal.
• You feel lonely, even when you are together.
• The relationship leaves you more drained than calm.

Having one of these signs does not mean the relationship is over. It usually means one part of it needs more attention and conversation.

When safety is at stake

Being afraid of your partner's reactions, threats, being pressured into unwanted physical or sexual contact, and control over where you go, your money, your phone or your contact with others are not "ordinary disagreements". If you are experiencing this, it is not your fault. In this situation, an individual, private conversation with a professional is usually safer than a joint couples session. If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number or go to the urgent help page.

Relationships and migration

Migration tests relationships too: roles shift, one partner finds work or the language sooner than the other, the support network shrinks, and a partner can become a person's only source of support. Read more: Migration and emotional safety and Improving relationships and communication skills.

A look at your own relationship

Emotral's relationship check has 20 questions and shows how you experience these same five areas, and which ones feel stronger or weaker to you. It is a self-reflection questionnaire designed by Emotral, not a standardised clinical test; it does not label a relationship "healthy" or "unhealthy" and makes no suggestion about staying or leaving. It also has a separate, optional section on feeling safe in the relationship that does not count towards the score.

When does couples therapy help?

Couples therapy is not only for relationships on the brink of separation. When conversations are stuck, problems keep repeating, or after a crisis such as infidelity, migration or the birth of a child you want to grow close again, a therapist can offer a safe space to talk. If your partner is not ready, individual counselling about the relationship can help too. At Emotral you can talk with Persian-speaking therapists, including therapists who work with couples.

References

• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (rev. ed.). Harmony.
• Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.
• World Health Organization. (2021). Violence against women, fact sheet.