"Mentalizing" means being able to understand the feelings, needs and thoughts behind our own behaviour and other people's. We all have this ability, but when emotions run high, for example in an argument or when we fear being abandoned, we often lose it and jump to quick, painful conclusions.
Mentalization-based therapy, or MBT, was developed by Peter Fonagy and Anthony Bateman in the UK, originally to help people with severe emotional and relational instability. Today it is used for a range of relationship difficulties. The aim is to strengthen the ability to pause, get curious and understand your own and others' minds, even in tense moments.
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In MBT the therapist works with curiosity and without claiming to "know everything". Instead of complex interpretations, they ask simple, genuine questions: "When he didn't reply to your message, what went through your mind?" or "What do you think she was feeling at that moment?"
A core technique is "stop, rewind and explore": when tension or a misunderstanding arises in the session, you and the therapist pause and go back step by step over what happened. The therapist even acknowledges their own mistakes, modelling a safe, honest relationship.
MBT also pays attention to emotional intensity. When feelings are very strong, the therapist first helps you settle, because thinking about minds is hard when we are overwhelmed. Some MBT programmes include group sessions alongside individual ones.
Individual online sessions usually last 45 to 50 minutes and often take place once a week. The atmosphere is conversational, warm and curious, and the therapist takes an active part.
In its full, standard form MBT often lasts around a year or more, though some therapists use its principles in shorter work. You may also discuss a plan for crisis moments with your therapist.
Examples are fictional and illustrative.
When a friend replied late to her messages, Elham became certain the friend no longer cared and cut contact. In sessions she learned to pause and consider other possibilities. Now she sometimes asks instead of deciding in advance.
After moving to Sweden, Babak and his wife were under great pressure, and their arguments escalated fast. In individual online therapy in Persian, Babak learned to ask himself in moments of anger what his wife might be feeling. He says arguments now calm down sooner.
Whenever Sina was upset, he made sudden decisions he later regretted. His therapist went through, moment by moment, what he had been feeling before each decision. This helped Sina recognise the warning signs earlier.
These therapists list this on their profile. All sessions are online and in Persian.
It is the ability to see your own and others' behaviour in terms of the feelings, intentions and thoughts behind it. Put simply, "thinking about feelings" and "feeling about thoughts".
MBT was originally developed for people with those difficulties, but today it is used for many relationship and emotion-regulation problems, and in work with families.
Many therapists offer MBT online and many clients find it helpful. It is important to agree on a safety plan and how to reach help in difficult moments.
It helps to make a plan for difficult moments with your therapist in advance. If you are in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, contact local emergency services right away.
This page is general information and does not replace a professional assessment. If you are in immediate danger or thinking about harming yourself, contact your local emergency services. Urgent help
